My dear Mr. Verbinski;
Greetings from the captain of the "Black Pearl," and congratulations on your commercial success. It has been made known to me through various tabloids that yours has earned the most receipts of any theatrical production yet made, and that you apparently "rule the box-office," much as my own crew once ruled the Caribbean.
All the more unfortunate, then, that fate should assign me the task of reprimanding you for what I feel is a task half-done. "Half-done?" you may ask; "but the box-office! The tremendous popularity of the picture (Odd term that--most "pictures" I know are painted and hang on walls)!" True, but given the success of your earlier effort ("The Curse of the Black Pearl," if I recall correctly) I would have imagined that you and your illustrious collaborators would have both the financial means and freedom to do something better, to improve on what simply was a fortuitous bit of casting on your part--namely, assigning thespian John Depp the task of portraying yours truly on the large screen (and it really is a large screen, apparently; I had taken the liberty of poking at it a few times with my cutlass until told I must seat myself if the show was to start).